Khay'te

Thu, 18 Dec 2003 04:04:11 GMT

i felt like writing here instead of in my haloburn journal. i just had a conversation about something that i sorta pushed out. blocked. i completely forgot that it even happened, until he brought it up. i hated who i was then. i thought i was better now. that i was. but now. that whole conversation just made me hate myself again. im just a lost cause. something that someone always gives away. tries to get rid of. i'll never be what deems fit, i guess. never good enough, maybe. i wasn't good enough then, but apparently i was better. so i change things, and now i'm worse. go figure. i hate myself.

sometimes. . .

Sun, 10 Aug 2003 06:54:33 GMT

sometimes i have a problem trying to figure out which is real or not. remember what's black and what's white. birds are butterflies and fire is kool-aid. sometimes i implode. collapse. drift away. sometimes i wonder what it is about my skin that's repulsive. sometimes i sit outside. just sit there, legs folded in the grass and stare up at the sky. wait for it to fall down around me. on me. sometimes i reach out and there's nothing there. and i continue to drown in fake water that's so real to me. what's real is fake and what's fake is real and then i blink and everything goes back to "normal" for a little while. but then a piece inside of me that's been badly sewn or glued breaks off again, and i panic. and i wonder how long it'll last this time. will time expand itself, stretch just to make it longer? i shut myself away in my room, like so many other times, like so many other people, and listen to the music weave itself around me, bringing myself deeper into myself. bittersweet. sometimes i don't know where i'm going. sometimes i get lost in my own house. sometimes i think about them. sometimes i think of the blade. sometimes i mistake infatuation for love. or what's good for me ends up not being right at all. sometimes i start something that i know i'll never finish. sometimes i hurt people on purpose and sometimes i even enjoy it. sometimes i just want to be accepted but hate those who judge. there are times when i want to rip it apart. tear limb from limb and watch them try to walk away. i want to destroy. and most times i just want to stop the fighting. i want to make a difference but sometimes i can't even get my voice above a whisper.

sometimes i can't breathe. sometimes when i take a breath, i fill my lungs with smoke and fire and disease, when all i want to do is take a deep breath of fresh air.

send me an angel...

Wed, 23 Apr 2003 02:59:19 GMT

how much of this is worth it all? I don't believe love can conquer (sp?) all. - -. just take me away from this place...

>

Thu, 06 Jun 2002 15:30:45 GMT

uh. wow. i feel suddenly. so. old. ><

I act like I'm 27.
This test was brought to you by BLX - For all your cheap satire needs. Take it here.

Compliments of Koji

Mon, 03 Jun 2002 03:32:28 GMT

. . . . . . . . . . ./´¯/)
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. . . . . /´¯`/'. .'/´¯¯`·¸
. . . . ./'/. . /. . /. . /¨. /¯\
. . . . ('(. . ´. . ´. .¯´/'. .')
. . . . .\. . . . . . . . .'. ./
. . . . .'\'. .\. . . . . ._.·´
. . . . . . \. . . . . . . (
. . . . . . . \. . . . . . \

If you forget me- -Pablo Neruda

Sun, 02 Jun 2002 05:06:17 GMT

I love this man's poetry

I want you to know one thing
You know how this is. . .

If I look at the crystal moon,
At the red branch of the slow autumn at my window
If I touch near the fire the impemprable ash, or the wrinkled body of the log
Everything carries me to you
As if everything that exists - aromas, light, metals
Were little boats that said toward those isles of yours that wait for me

Well, now
If little by little you stop loving me,
I shall stop loving you
little by little
If suddenly you forget me
Do not look for me
For I shall already have forgotten you

If you think it long and mad the wind of banners that passes through my life
And you decide to leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots
Remember
That on that day, at that hour, I shall lift my arms
And my roots will set off to seek another land

But if each day, each hour, you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness
If each day a flower clmbs up tour lips to seek me
ahh my love, ahh my own, in me all that fire is repeated
In me nothing is extinguished or forgotten
My love feeds on your love, beloved.
And as long as you live, it will be in your arms without leaving mine

veinte poemas de amor y una canción desesperada

Sun, 02 Jun 2002 04:18:39 GMT

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.

Escribir, por ejemplo: "La noche está estrellada,
y tiritan, azules, los astros, a lo lejos".

El viento de la noche gira en el cielo y canta.

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.
Yo la quise, y a veces ella también me quiso.

En las noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos.
La besé tantas veces bajo el cielo infinito.

Ella me quiso, a veces yo también la quería.
Cómo no haber amado sus grandes ojos fijos.

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.
Pensar que no la tengo. Sentir que la he perdido.

Oir la noche inmensa, más inmensa sin ella.
Y el verso cae al alma como al pasto el rocío.

Qué importa que mi amor no pudiera guardarla.
La noche está estrellada y ella no está conmigo.

Eso es todo. A lo lejos alguien canta. A lo lejos.
Mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.

Como para acercarla mi mirada la busca.
Mi corazón la busca, y ella no está conmigo.

La misma noche que hace blanquear los mismos árboles.
Nosotros, los de entonces, ya no somos los mismos.

Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero cuánto la quise.
Mi voz buscaba el viento para tocar su oído.

De otro. Será de otro. Como antes de mis besos.
Su voz, su cuerpo claro. Sus ojos infinitos.

Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero tal vez la quiero.
Es tan corto el amor, y es tan largo el olvido.

Porque en noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos,
mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.

Aunque éste sea el último dolor que ella me causa,
y éstos sean los últimos versos que yo le escribo.

"why doesn't anyone ever push my buttons?"

Sat, 25 May 2002 01:21:02 GMT

okay. so i went a little overboard with the quizzes. shut the fuck up.

You are Angelina
Jolie!

You acted in cool movies like:

Tomb Raider, Gone in Sixty Seconds, Girl Interrupted

and Hackers.

Take the "Which Hollywood Princess are you?"
quiz @ planetag.de

Sat, 25 May 2002 01:15:08 GMT

Who are YOU most like?

im.an.american? >

the diet coke of evil

Sat, 25 May 2002 01:03:52 GMT

Find your emotion!

Which Kiss Are You?

lol...

You are 30% evil! [?]

You're still on the good side of 50%, but you're gaining on it. You're not as good as you should be, but you're good ALMOST all of the time. There's only an occasional time when evil takes over you, but when it does...

How Gay Are YOU? [?]

drugs, drugs, drugs

Tue, 21 May 2002 21:35:45 GMT

I'm so extremely tired. And depressed. and. fuck. I don't know. I've been crying a lot lately, and I went to go see my doctor today and she upped the dosage of one of my pills and she put me on two new ones. >< AND she wants me back in counselling, so hoorah for me, mem told her what kind of shrink she wants me seeing blah, blah.. blah. I'm just so weak and tired. I want to sleep forever.

The coffeehouse on Saturday was AMAZING. I had such an awesome time. I got all this free shit. lol. And we raided the left over food, Sarah and I. We took home like, all of these cookies and Sarash took home the other half of the wedding cake and cream(?). lol. But. Yeah. She took it home because she lives at the Y and is on welfare and poor. I took home food because. well. it was good. The bands were awesome, especially this one band called Factory. I LOVE that band. The lead singer is going to e-mail me and Nadia about when their CD is coming out, but for now they have MP3's on MP3.com, BUT. Because I fucked up this computer, I can't download them. >< Ooh! But mem is buying me a laptop! YEY! :D

Sunday night I went to a party at Kelly's. Saw a bunch of people I haven't seen in months. All my raver buddies. I haven't been in the scene lately, so it was nice seeing everyone again. I never played so much pool in my life, btw. lol. I came home drunk. lol. Cat was helping me down the stairs to where I was sleeping that night, and I slipped and took her with me. lol. My ass still hurts.

Haven't talked to Kyle in awhile. I've tried calling his house but each time I have, no one has picked up. I'm kind of worried...

Hmm..

Fri, 17 May 2002 01:47:05 GMT

find your element
at mutedfaith.com.
<º>

Mirrored World - Cate Quinn

Wed, 15 May 2002 02:21:54 GMT

She was one of those "What if" people. Constantly asking, wondering what if she had done this would that be different. What if she had said that or chose that would her life be better.
She was a plain girl, or so she thought, with no really unique qualities that would punch someone in the face clearly stating "This Is Me." Her hair was line straight and the colour of oak. Her eyes were a slate grey and used to have bottle cap glasses to pair them with, but made the transition to contacts. Fewer people laughed at her that day. Her face was covered in freckles like the dark night sky is blanketed with glimmery stars.
She was a quiet thing, her voice usually just a little over a whisper. She listened, though. Oh, the things that were told to her. The birds sung of the wind that danced with their feathers. The small stream talked of its dream to become an ocean. The trees frequently gossiped about the little creatures that nestled into their homes upon outstretched limbs. The rain cried to her, while it splashed cooly upon her freckled face, about it's departure from their adored cloud and the bone dry soil sighed a sigh of relief as it moistened. Oh, how the girl listened!
She smiled and laughed and always thanked the Goddess for the wonderful day. But at night, when the moon rose from the earth's breast; when night became cool, a dreamworld for the artists, an aphrodisiac for the lovers, the girl would sit alone and cry. A single tear would drag down her face first, then that tear would cry another tear, that tear cried another and they would all cry and splash on the girls cracked mirror.
A small puddle would form and turn into a river, a lake, an ocean and drown the girl from her fears and loneliness. She wouldn't scream. She promised not to. And when the sun began to pastel the sky, she would kiss her real world full on the mouth goodbye until she greeted it again at night once again.
The girl would plaster on a new smile and greet the day even though she was dying inside.

The joys of rides

Sun, 12 May 2002 00:58:37 GMT

Went shopping today with Alicia and Katye. Had a blast. Bought a shirt and jacket. Rented a movie with Katye called Joy Ride, we're watching it later tonight. Fun for all!

Fri, 10 May 2002 21:05:28 GMT

Which Woman of Beauty Are You? Find out! By Nishi.

vacuum state of peace

Thu, 09 May 2002 20:29:03 GMT

I didn't go to school today. My body is so worn out. But I was going to go for a walk in the forest, gather up some things, make an offering to the Lady. I've been neglecting it. I've only been saying little prayers and the such, nothing like what I use to. So. I figure that I'll start being like I was with my spirituality. BUT. It's raining. I wouldn't mind if it was drizzling or something, but it's pouring, and I'm sick as it is. So I figure once my mem gets back from the hospital then I'll go buy some flowers or something. I've been meaning to go to the Pagan Playground that's new here. Well. It's like. a. year. old. But I've never gotten the chance to go in a take a look around. I usually go downtown. But. If they have everything I basically need, it'll save me an hour trip.

So. Right. My grandma's operation went fine, mem said. She had it yesterday. So I'm glad for that.

I was at pens & paints yesterday. It went. Bad. Devan was there. >.< I didn't need to see him. Him and Marla are having problems and everytime they get into a fight, he takes it out on me. You know how people take their anger out on a punching bag? Well. I'm his punching bag. Only verbally. And I'm tired of it. So. I bitched him out. Hardcore. Haven't talked to him in awhile. Well. Since yesterday. And I've had a horrible month so far, and a bad day and everything was so overwhelming and I was trying not to cry while he was talking to me. I had to leave in the middle of the conversation and pens and paints. I went home. Cried. It was really shitty.

Been talking to Kyle. He said he's been really tired and doesn't feel right. I'm worried about him. >.<

"Maybe I didn't go for my father. Maybe what I really want was to know that I could do things right so when I looked in the mirror I'd see someone worth while.." -Mulan

Don't forget where you came from.

Wed, 08 May 2002 18:26:44 GMT

I'm back. Finally. fucking computer. lol. We or. uh. I. Got a virus on my sisters computer (which is now mine. Mwahahaahaha) and it ate half of it. So yes. Half of it is gone. But. It's. still. working. thankfully. We thought we might have to get a new computer. Which we most likely will. We go through computers like crazy. SO. Yes. SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED! Okay. Catscan first.

It was horrible. I barfed up the dye. 'Kay. Well. Wait. lol. Backtrack. I'm a diabetic if you already didn't know. And to get a catscan you have to fast. Fasting isn't good for diabetic's really, especially if you're like me and don't take care of yourself (which is now changed. well. for the diabetes part anyway). Okay. So I hadn't taken insulin for like. Oh. I don't know. A couple days. Whatever. Go into the QCH. Barf up the dye because I was going into diabetic shock. type. thing. And uh. So they had to inject it through an IV. Retard missed the vein and had to puncture me again. Okay. So. Blah, blah, blah. We leave after retching up everything known to man in my stomach. They're sort of clueless. I mean. They knew I was a diabetic. And they're all just like, "Now, go get rest little deary". On the way home, Cat has to pull over like. Literally a million times. I'm still puking. My mem is all leaning over me, rubbing my back, which I hate. I hate people rubbing me. Touching me. Whatever. So I'm bitching at her while breathing before my next big evacuation of the stomach occurs. Get home. Take my numbers. My meter won't even read the number they're so high. So mem calls the hospital, they tell her to get me in there after I give such an amount of insulin to me. Barf on the way there. Pass out. Don't remember much of what happened in the hospital except them making me into a goddamn PIN CUSHION ::breathes::. So. Yes. lol. It was a horrible, horrible day.

uh......

I had so much to say. But now. I can't remember. My mood just went ka-put. >.< I'll update more later, I suppose.

...

Sun, 21 Apr 2002 23:19:24 GMT

Getting a little nervous. I got for my catscan tomorrow. They're checking my liver. Because it's enlarged and they said tumors tend to make your liver enlarged. I'm really. nervous. I go for 7:45. I have to drink this drink stuff to make it easy for the catscan to see clearly and stuff. The actual appointment is for 9:00. Still haven't seen Kyle. I'd to, though. I sort of want to vent on how scared I am to him. Hear his soothing voice. But he's no where to be found. ::rubs her tummy:: I was okay with this. Like. It wasn't bothering. But today. It really sort of just hit me. I mean. I don't know. I just want to feel better. I'm tired of being sick all the time. Having to walk around most days hunched over because the pain is so excruciating. >.< ::curls into a ball::

Sun, 21 Apr 2002 21:11:38 GMT

Which LOTR Woman are you?

Fri, 19 Apr 2002 21:11:04 GMT

I'm really. Tired. >.< Hopefully I'm going to see Devan and Marla tonight. I need to get out of this damn house.

Had to go into school today and I didn't want to. I had to talk to my guidance counseller to find out what the fuck is going to happen with my school and shit. They want to kick me out. Technically, and legally, they can't. But they're itching to do it. Finding excuses. Assholes. Anyway. That was a blast. >.< If she wasn't cute and if she didn't have the thickest scottish accent ever, I would wish hell upon my g.c. But. You know. She is cute. And she does. have. a thick. scottish. accent. Bleh.

Talked to Simon. lol. He's such a sweetie to me. He treats me like gold. I wanted to buy a g off of him, but he hadn't gotten his O yet. So he gave me his personal he was going to smoke. He NEVER does that to anyone else. Not even his girlfriend. So I was all like. Aw! And I gave him a big hug and kiss on the cheek and started giggling like mad because I was so excited. I haven't had my own stuff for almost two weeks. Other people had to smoke me. And I hate that. >.< But. Yeah. heh.

My co-op teacher bitched at me for my attire today. lol. Fuck. I hate working there. Like. I had to go buy new clothes so that I fit the dress code she has. And. That. Sucked. I look like a fucking prepped out bitch. -.- It's disgusting. But yeah. Today I had a shirt that said Sexy on it. She bitched. Yesterday I had an I Know What Boys Like tshirt on. She bitched. Like. FUCK! ::stabs:: But. Yeah. I say but. yeah. a lot. lol.

I miss Kyle. Tons. I hardly see him anymore. He wants to come up end of June. I'm not getting my hopes high, though. Because that happened last time, and I was shattered when he said he couldn't make it. He says he's going to come. I'm just like, 'Yeah. Sure.' ::shrugs:: My parents used to do that to me all the time. Said they'd do this and that and blah, blah, blah. Never happened. I just stopped trusting what they said. Like. My mem is infamous for it. She did it last night. Said she was going to do all this stuff for me today, or some shit. Where is she? Sleeping. She always sits on her ass. Whatever, fuck.

I'm reading a book. One of my Sci-Fi/Fantasy books that I always read. Not. MINE. Like. I didn't write them. lol. WHATEVER. I'm reading it. It's called the King's Peace. It's surprisingly good. A little predictable, but good none the less. Fuckkk. I'm tired...

Fri, 19 Apr 2002 06:44:47 GMT

New layout! Yay! Everyone rejoice :D I love it. It's perfect. Getting a bit better at icon making, though I could use some help. If anyone wants to help me, I'll love you forever.

Was really down tonight. Have been all week. Haven't been all with it, and tonight was the kicker. It built up gradually. I called Kyle, holding back the tears. Thank god. I think his mem answered the phone. What I freak I would've been if I called bauling and she answered. "Yeah, Hi. Is Kyle there? Oh. No. I'm fine. Just having one of my infamous breakdowns. How're you?" >.< Thanks, but no thanks. My mem calmed me down, though. She kept trying to give her input. She realized how much more is was upsetting me and finally just shut up. I hate that. I just wanted to vent. I didn't want to know what she thought. Sometimes I just want to be held and cry and have no questions asked. Just be there. and. cry. Not ask a zillion questions. But anyway. 4 hours later, here I am. My eyes sting looking at the computer screen from crying. Bleh. I've got to get to bed. I'm nodding off here.

--"It's hard to wash off the dirt. The dirt of how you feel and think of yourself as. The dirt you dig your nails in to get dirty because you feel too clean. The dirt of everything bad you've done. And it's hard to wash off the clay of the mould that they wanted you to be. Moulding yourself constantly, trying to please them. And sometimes it's like, no matter how hard you scrub and scrub and scrub the dirt and clay mould is still there. It's just... hard."-- From Wooden Picture Frames by Cate Quinn. (c)

big, big girl

Sun, 14 Apr 2002 18:45:45 GMT

I'm so tired. And sick. This weekend rocked though. My parents were out of town. Friday, Brenna, Anne and Troy came over and we chilled at my place until about midnight. Matt was already passed out by that time. We then went over to Mike's house, hung out there, trying to figure out what the hell to do. Brenna and Anne aren't 18 yet, and we couldn't find them I.D, so we couldn't go to Willies and anywhere in Ottawa would've carded. So we decided to drive to Hull and buy some beer at a conveinance store. But it was like. 12:30, 1 am and they said it was to late to be buying it there, both stores said this. All we wanted to do was to get drunk. But anyway. We happened to see this Karaoke bar driving, and Brenna loves to sing so she's like. Let's GO! So they came in with me, we didn't get carded. Troy and Mike came afterwards. Mike got carded. lol. I'm glad we didn't though, because you had to be 21 to get it. Which is weird but anyway. lol. It was the greatest. I've never laughed so hard. There were country songs, french songs of every style (MALADE! lol. For you Brenna), and Brenna sung Sheryl Crow's ALL I WANNA DO IS HAVE SOME FUN! ::hums:: We were all high and drunk by the time we left, so we decided to go get high more. Which we did at Mike's. Dean was over. He popped some E and was sooo drunk. We smoked him, too. This was at about 3:30 - 4:00 and Dean decides to crank up some jungle and Troy thought it'd be a good idea to leave in case the police were called. Their house wreaks of weed. They do deals, smoke it, roll it. They've got like, Bob Marley pics everywhere and all of this weed propaganda. They live in a ghetto area, too. Like. The projects of our city. But anyway. We left. He dropped Brenna and I at my house. She slept over. I couldn't walk. I was all over the place and we were trying to be quiet but we kept running into things and laughing and fuck. lol. we ate so much. Then Saturday we did a wake and bake. I yelled at Devan and hung up on him. Haven't heard from him since. Lazed about the house until 10pm. Brenna, and another two Mike's came over. Chilled. Watched Along Came a Spider. Went to pick up Branden from work. Came back to my place. Left when my parents came home. Smoked another two joints. About a gram and a half. Went to Brennas. We all tried to lay on her bed all comfy like because she has glow and the dark stars on her ceiling and we were getting all tripped out by them. And Brenna has one of those lamps that turn on when you tap it, and Mike.S kept giving it a "tap" and we were talking all happy gilmore ish and like. The guys were talking all in this weird ass voice and Mike couldn't pronounce Brennas last name and. Fuck. I don't think I stopped laughing for the 2 hours we were on that bed. It was great. Now today. Today I'm sick. lol.

I miss Kyle. I called him, but he's out of town apparently. Nice of him to let me know.

I've been really caught up in Icon making and modifying my lj. I'm trying to get a fixed background, but I can't find a webpage host to use that'll work. Like. I can't use geocities, liquid2k doesn't like me or something because it won't let me sign in. Um. Angelfire won't support it, tripod won't either I think. Like. GRAH! Pieces of poo. I have the perfect picture, too. >.< I'm so mad at that. And I'm REALLY not good with HTML and web pages. So. Fuck. grah.

But anyway. I'm sort of in a down mood today. It's been rainy, and there's tension in the house and I'm sick and miss my baby like crazy. I just. Really need to be with him right now. But. What can you do. Nothing.

Fri, 05 Apr 2002 05:21:34 GMT

I AM SUCH A FUCKING RETARD!!!!!! I'm really hating how I am right now. Fuck. But. Anyway. Went quiz crazy. Found the results to this one somewhat amusing.

</p>

which song of staywhatyouare are you? find
out!

Foolish

Tue, 02 Apr 2002 23:24:57 GMT

See my days are cold without you
while I'm hurtin while im with you
and though my heart can't take no more I keep on running back to you

See my days are cold without you
while I'm hurtin while im with you
and though my heart can't take no more I keep on running back to you

Baby I don't know why ya treatin me so bad
you said you love me, no one above me
and I was all you had
And though my heart is eating for ya, I can't stop crying
I don't know how I allow you to treat me this way and still i stay

See my days are cold without you
while I'm hurtin while im with you
and though my heart can't take no more I keep on running back to you

See my days are cold without you
while I'm hurtin while im with you
and though my heart can't take no more I keep on running back to you

Baby I don't know why ya wanna do my wrong
see when I'm home, I'm all alone
and you are always gone
And boy, you kno I really love you
I can't deny
I can't see how you could bring me to so many tears after all these years

See my days are cold without you
while I'm hurtin while im with you
and though my heart can't take no more I keep on running back to you

See my days are cold without you
while I'm hurtin while im with you
and though my heart can't take no more I keep on running back to you

OoOo I trusted you, I trusted you
So sad, so sad what love will make you do
all the things that we accept, be the things that we regret
too all of my ladies (ladies) feel me c'mon sing wit me

See, when I get the strength to leave
you, always tell me that you need
me, and I'm weak cause I believe
you, and I'm mad because I love
you. so I stop and think that
maybe, you can learn to appreciate
me, then it all remains the same
that, you ain't never gonna change
(never gonna change, never gonna change)

See my days are cold without you
while I'm hurtin while im with you
and though my heart can't take no more I keep on running back to you

See my days are cold without you
while I'm hurtin while im with you
and though my heart can't take no more I keep on running back to you

Baby why you hurt me
leave me and desert me
boy I gave you all my heart and all you do is tear it up

looking out my window
knowing that I should go
even when I pack my bags
This something always hold me back

and although my heart can't take no more, I keep on running back to you..

Tue, 02 Apr 2002 21:28:22 GMT

Fuck. My day just has gone from bad to worse. Kyle is all pissed at me. I don't even know what I do wrong half the time. I nod to let him know I'm paying attention, but I did that, and he's all annoyed because I'm not paying attention apparently, and then I don't say anything, and I'm still not paying attention. Like. What the fuck. He's goes, "You know what? I love you, but just go fuck yourself for now, K?" ::rubs her forehead:: Gave me the middle finger. "See if you see me for awhile. I can play the games, too." Like. What the fuck. I'm just so. Lost with him. I was so happy to see him, too. A lot of people think we should break up. Think I should get rid of him. That I can do better. But. I don't see it. I love him. Maybe I'm oblivious? I don't know. But people tell me he treats me bad. That's concluded by their own observations. I don't know, I don't know. I just hate this pain in my chest. Fuck, I'm pathetic.