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Tuesday, October 8th, 2024
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this is friends only from now on. want to read? add me. if you don't, you're stuck reading what i didn't switch over to friends only. mostly quizzes and poems and whatnot. enjoy nonetheless.
::NOTE:: the image above is from gettyimages.com, so if you want it, go get it yourself and make your own graphic if you're eyeing mine. the graphic itself is a little dark but it'll do for now :DDD
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(death is a dream)
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Wednesday, December 17th, 2003
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i felt like writing here instead of in my haloburn journal. i just had a conversation about something that i sorta pushed out. blocked. i completely forgot that it even happened, until he brought it up. i hated who i was then. i thought i was better now. that i was. but now. that whole conversation just made me hate myself again. im just a lost cause. something that someone always gives away. tries to get rid of. i'll never be what deems fit, i guess. never good enough, maybe. i wasn't good enough then, but apparently i was better. so i change things, and now i'm worse. go figure. i hate myself.
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(death is a dream)
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Sunday, August 10th, 2003
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sometimes i have a problem trying to figure out which is real or not. remember what's black and what's white. birds are butterflies and fire is kool-aid. sometimes i implode. collapse. drift away. sometimes i wonder what it is about my skin that's repulsive. sometimes i sit outside. just sit there, legs folded in the grass and stare up at the sky. wait for it to fall down around me. on me. sometimes i reach out and there's nothing there. and i continue to drown in fake water that's so real to me. what's real is fake and what's fake is real and then i blink and everything goes back to "normal" for a little while. but then a piece inside of me that's been badly sewn or glued breaks off again, and i panic. and i wonder how long it'll last this time. will time expand itself, stretch just to make it longer? i shut myself away in my room, like so many other times, like so many other people, and listen to the music weave itself around me, bringing myself deeper into myself. bittersweet. sometimes i don't know where i'm going. sometimes i get lost in my own house. sometimes i think about them. sometimes i think of the blade. sometimes i mistake infatuation for love. or what's good for me ends up not being right at all. sometimes i start something that i know i'll never finish. sometimes i hurt people on purpose and sometimes i even enjoy it. sometimes i just want to be accepted but hate those who judge. there are times when i want to rip it apart. tear limb from limb and watch them try to walk away. i want to destroy. and most times i just want to stop the fighting. i want to make a difference but sometimes i can't even get my voice above a whisper.
sometimes i can't breathe. sometimes when i take a breath, i fill my lungs with smoke and fire and disease, when all i want to do is take a deep breath of fresh air.
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(death is a dream)
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Tuesday, April 22nd, 2003
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how much of this is worth it all? I don't believe love can conquer (sp?) all. - -. just take me away from this place...
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(7 dreamed | death is a dream)
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uh. wow. i feel suddenly. so. old. ><
27 I act like I'm 27.
This test was brought to you by BLX - For all your cheap satire needs. Take it here.
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(death is a dream)
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. . . . . . . . . . ./´¯/)
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. . . . . /´¯`/'. .'/´¯¯`·¸
. . . . ./'/. . /. . /. . /¨. /¯\
. . . . ('(. . ´. . ´. .¯´/'. .')
. . . . .\. . . . . . . . .'. ./
. . . . .'\'. .\. . . . . ._.·´
. . . . . . \. . . . . . . (
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(death is a dream)
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I love this man's poetry
I want you to know one thing
You know how this is. . .
If I look at the crystal moon,
At the red branch of the slow autumn at my window
If I touch near the fire the impemprable ash, or the wrinkled body of the log
Everything carries me to you
As if everything that exists - aromas, light, metals
Were little boats that said toward those isles of yours that wait for me
Well, now
If little by little you stop loving me,
I shall stop loving you
little by little
If suddenly you forget me
Do not look for me
For I shall already have forgotten you
If you think it long and mad the wind of banners that passes through my life
And you decide to leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots
Remember
That on that day, at that hour, I shall lift my arms
And my roots will set off to seek another land
But if each day, each hour, you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness
If each day a flower clmbs up tour lips to seek me
ahh my love, ahh my own, in me all that fire is repeated
In me nothing is extinguished or forgotten
My love feeds on your love, beloved.
And as long as you live, it will be in your arms without leaving mine
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(1 dreamed | death is a dream)
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Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.
Escribir, por ejemplo: "La noche está estrellada,
y tiritan, azules, los astros, a lo lejos".
El viento de la noche gira en el cielo y canta.
Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.
Yo la quise, y a veces ella también me quiso.
En las noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos.
La besé tantas veces bajo el cielo infinito.
Ella me quiso, a veces yo también la quería.
Cómo no haber amado sus grandes ojos fijos.
Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.
Pensar que no la tengo. Sentir que la he perdido.
Oir la noche inmensa, más inmensa sin ella.
Y el verso cae al alma como al pasto el rocío.
Qué importa que mi amor no pudiera guardarla.
La noche está estrellada y ella no está conmigo.
Eso es todo. A lo lejos alguien canta. A lo lejos.
Mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.
Como para acercarla mi mirada la busca.
Mi corazón la busca, y ella no está conmigo.
La misma noche que hace blanquear los mismos árboles.
Nosotros, los de entonces, ya no somos los mismos.
Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero cuánto la quise.
Mi voz buscaba el viento para tocar su oído.
De otro. Será de otro. Como antes de mis besos.
Su voz, su cuerpo claro. Sus ojos infinitos.
Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero tal vez la quiero.
Es tan corto el amor, y es tan largo el olvido.
Porque en noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos,
mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.
Aunque éste sea el último dolor que ella me causa,
y éstos sean los últimos versos que yo le escribo.
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(death is a dream)
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I'm so extremely tired. And depressed. and. fuck. I don't know. I've been crying a lot lately, and I went to go see my doctor today and she upped the dosage of one of my pills and she put me on two new ones. >< AND she wants me back in counselling, so hoorah for me, mem told her what kind of shrink she wants me seeing blah, blah.. blah. I'm just so weak and tired. I want to sleep forever.
The coffeehouse on Saturday was AMAZING. I had such an awesome time. I got all this free shit. lol. And we raided the left over food, Sarah and I. We took home like, all of these cookies and Sarash took home the other half of the wedding cake and cream(?). lol. But. Yeah. She took it home because she lives at the Y and is on welfare and poor. I took home food because. well. it was good. The bands were awesome, especially this one band called Factory. I LOVE that band. The lead singer is going to e-mail me and Nadia about when their CD is coming out, but for now they have MP3's on MP3.com, BUT. Because I fucked up this computer, I can't download them. >< Ooh! But mem is buying me a laptop! YEY! :D
Sunday night I went to a party at Kelly's. Saw a bunch of people I haven't seen in months. All my raver buddies. I haven't been in the scene lately, so it was nice seeing everyone again. I never played so much pool in my life, btw. lol. I came home drunk. lol. Cat was helping me down the stairs to where I was sleeping that night, and I slipped and took her with me. lol. My ass still hurts.
Haven't talked to Kyle in awhile. I've tried calling his house but each time I have, no one has picked up. I'm kind of worried...
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(death is a dream)
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She was one of those "What if" people. Constantly asking, wondering what if she had done this would that be different. What if she had said that or chose that would her life be better.
She was a plain girl, or so she thought, with no really unique qualities that would punch someone in the face clearly stating "This Is Me." Her hair was line straight and the colour of oak. Her eyes were a slate grey and used to have bottle cap glasses to pair them with, but made the transition to contacts. Fewer people laughed at her that day. Her face was covered in freckles like the dark night sky is blanketed with glimmery stars.
She was a quiet thing, her voice usually just a little over a whisper. She listened, though. Oh, the things that were told to her. The birds sung of the wind that danced with their feathers. The small stream talked of its dream to become an ocean. The trees frequently gossiped about the little creatures that nestled into their homes upon outstretched limbs. The rain cried to her, while it splashed cooly upon her freckled face, about it's departure from their adored cloud and the bone dry soil sighed a sigh of relief as it moistened. Oh, how the girl listened!
She smiled and laughed and always thanked the Goddess for the wonderful day. But at night, when the moon rose from the earth's breast; when night became cool, a dreamworld for the artists, an aphrodisiac for the lovers, the girl would sit alone and cry. A single tear would drag down her face first, then that tear would cry another tear, that tear cried another and they would all cry and splash on the girls cracked mirror.
A small puddle would form and turn into a river, a lake, an ocean and drown the girl from her fears and loneliness. She wouldn't scream. She promised not to. And when the sun began to pastel the sky, she would kiss her real world full on the mouth goodbye until she greeted it again at night once again.
The girl would plaster on a new smile and greet the day even though she was dying inside.
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(2 dreamed | death is a dream)
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Went shopping today with Alicia and Katye. Had a blast. Bought a shirt and jacket. Rented a movie with Katye called Joy Ride, we're watching it later tonight. Fun for all!
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(death is a dream)
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I didn't go to school today. My body is so worn out. But I was going to go for a walk in the forest, gather up some things, make an offering to the Lady. I've been neglecting it. I've only been saying little prayers and the such, nothing like what I use to. So. I figure that I'll start being like I was with my spirituality. BUT. It's raining. I wouldn't mind if it was drizzling or something, but it's pouring, and I'm sick as it is. So I figure once my mem gets back from the hospital then I'll go buy some flowers or something. I've been meaning to go to the Pagan Playground that's new here. Well. It's like. a. year. old. But I've never gotten the chance to go in a take a look around. I usually go downtown. But. If they have everything I basically need, it'll save me an hour trip.
So. Right. My grandma's operation went fine, mem said. She had it yesterday. So I'm glad for that.
I was at pens & paints yesterday. It went. Bad. Devan was there. >.< I didn't need to see him. Him and Marla are having problems and everytime they get into a fight, he takes it out on me. You know how people take their anger out on a punching bag? Well. I'm his punching bag. Only verbally. And I'm tired of it. So. I bitched him out. Hardcore. Haven't talked to him in awhile. Well. Since yesterday. And I've had a horrible month so far, and a bad day and everything was so overwhelming and I was trying not to cry while he was talking to me. I had to leave in the middle of the conversation and pens and paints. I went home. Cried. It was really shitty.
Been talking to Kyle. He said he's been really tired and doesn't feel right. I'm worried about him. >.<
"Maybe I didn't go for my father. Maybe what I really want was to know that I could do things right so when I looked in the mirror I'd see someone worth while.." -Mulan
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(2 dreamed | death is a dream)
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I'm back. Finally. fucking computer. lol. We or. uh. I. Got a virus on my sisters computer (which is now mine. Mwahahaahaha) and it ate half of it. So yes. Half of it is gone. But. It's. still. working. thankfully. We thought we might have to get a new computer. Which we most likely will. We go through computers like crazy. SO. Yes. SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED! Okay. Catscan first.
It was horrible. I barfed up the dye. 'Kay. Well. Wait. lol. Backtrack. I'm a diabetic if you already didn't know. And to get a catscan you have to fast. Fasting isn't good for diabetic's really, especially if you're like me and don't take care of yourself (which is now changed. well. for the diabetes part anyway). Okay. So I hadn't taken insulin for like. Oh. I don't know. A couple days. Whatever. Go into the QCH. Barf up the dye because I was going into diabetic shock. type. thing. And uh. So they had to inject it through an IV. Retard missed the vein and had to puncture me again. Okay. So. Blah, blah, blah. We leave after retching up everything known to man in my stomach. They're sort of clueless. I mean. They knew I was a diabetic. And they're all just like, "Now, go get rest little deary". On the way home, Cat has to pull over like. Literally a million times. I'm still puking. My mem is all leaning over me, rubbing my back, which I hate. I hate people rubbing me. Touching me. Whatever. So I'm bitching at her while breathing before my next big evacuation of the stomach occurs. Get home. Take my numbers. My meter won't even read the number they're so high. So mem calls the hospital, they tell her to get me in there after I give such an amount of insulin to me. Barf on the way there. Pass out. Don't remember much of what happened in the hospital except them making me into a goddamn PIN CUSHION ::breathes::. So. Yes. lol. It was a horrible, horrible day.
uh......
I had so much to say. But now. I can't remember. My mood just went ka-put. >.< I'll update more later, I suppose.
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(3 dreamed | death is a dream)
| Subject: | ... |
| Time: | 7:17 pm. |
| Mood: |  scared. | | Music: | My Sundown- -Jimmy Eat World. |
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Getting a little nervous. I got for my catscan tomorrow. They're checking my liver. Because it's enlarged and they said tumors tend to make your liver enlarged. I'm really. nervous. I go for 7:45. I have to drink this drink stuff to make it easy for the catscan to see clearly and stuff. The actual appointment is for 9:00. Still haven't seen Kyle. I'd to, though. I sort of want to vent on how scared I am to him. Hear his soothing voice. But he's no where to be found. ::rubs her tummy:: I was okay with this. Like. It wasn't bothering. But today. It really sort of just hit me. I mean. I don't know. I just want to feel better. I'm tired of being sick all the time. Having to walk around most days hunched over because the pain is so excruciating. >.< ::curls into a ball::
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(4 dreamed | death is a dream)
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blackenedtears's journal
geeky.
cold.
amused.
tired.
hyper.
